Tank Girl. Take two.

Posted: June 23, 2010 in Comic Books, Iconoclasts
Tags: , , , , ,

Today’s first episode in: “I exercise my right to veto”  is about something near and dear to the clan-descent punk rock comic subculture iconoclast: Tank Girl.

Growing up with a very corporate father, Tank Girl’s ode to a single finger raised literature made for must have fuel for the rebellion. Tank Girl embodied feminism, righteous taste in music and a hodgepodge of style beyond her time.  She was (and still is) a symbol of pure unadulterated punk rock Americana.

A little birdie told me a story was pending.  The original dosing was served fresh circa 1995.  I was 13.  Ah what a superb way to kickstart my teenage angst.  I mean despite the movie being absolutely terrible, how could you beat Naomi Watts getting all hot and heavy under the body of a plane while Lori Petty interlaced steam punk and bad innuendos all whilst toting the big guns with her cohort Booga?  Quite frankly, you just can’t.

I would take inspiration from this comic book to embrace the strength within.  That it was alright to dare to be bold.  That… ah the rad peer pressure bestowed on me thanks to a comic book allowance.  How it would continue to be embedded into me throughout adulthood.

But all my of those happy memories came to a screeching hault when I heard the news (albeit late) that they might be remaking my beloved comic movie… staring none other than… Miley Cyrus as Tank Girl.

Ok Hollywood, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Seriously.  Let’s cut through the bullshit here.  Ok we know that it’s the nature of the biz to take pop star Mickey Mousers and feed them into your army of Hollywood whore bag devoid of cognitive thought with no hope to adding something significant to society but for fucks sake, this is comics and quite possibly one of the most important dropped dominoes of my existence.

Do any of you remember some of those cut scenes?  I mean could you picture this outtake of Lori Petty and Booga’s implied romp in the sack with Miley Cyrus?

Or how about her uttering these lines of dialogue:

I’m 23. Look at me, I’m 23. I can see all from up here…. All the boys and girls…. All the dicks and fannys. And what of these sexual revolutions, boys and girls? Are you in the right sexual category? This is the question. Who gives a shit…… Dicks and balls dicks and fannys. Give me the celibate vegetarians from Mars anytime. I’d love to fuck you up. I’d love to fuck you up. Speaking of dicks, it’s Booga’s birthday today……. I’d better get the old tosser a present.. Right! Off to Dirty Fred’s Old Curiosity shop…

I think not folks.  Furthermore any one of you perverts that just pictured Miley Cyrus like that needs to be castrated… and please stay away from my daughter while you’re at it.

While I would absolutely love to see another studio go at this, I believe we can all agree that while the pickings of American actors aren’t what they used to be, she is near the bottom of whom should be considered.

For the love of humanity and all that is good and (oftentimes) bad, even the department of Water might have to trade sides if this is how American cinema is shaping up to be.  For shame Hollywood.  Seriously.

(Although I do think it would be hilarious to see Miley shave her head for the audition.  Please do it Miley.  I double dog dare you to.)

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